Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Have you ever wondered: Why is our relationship so hard? Things were so perfect when we first met - what happened? Most likely, the answer is that you've left the first stage of your relationship, and have moved into another. But could it really be that easy? Yes! Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time... but what many people don't know is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it's likely that you'll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase - do any of this sound familiar?

Boundaries are valuable All relationships work more harmoniously when the participants know what to expect and what is expected of them. Being kind, but firm when stating what you need from a relationship allows the other person to reciprocate. How other people act and think often has nothing to do with you, but rather with their own perceptions. You can only take care of yourself.

The Romance Stage This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Find Common Ground Long lasting relationships based on growth and commitment to common goals tend to be happier and more productive. If the two of you can find common ground to stand on and share a vision for the future, then you are much more likely to live happily ever after than you will be if you have completely separate lives devoid of any goals.

4 Step model for setting boundaries 1. Calmly inform the other person by stating, "I feel uncomfortable and want to shut down when you yell at me." 2. Request that they honor your boundary. "I ask that you talk to me without yelling." Or ..For me to listen and hear what you are saying to me, I need to you speak to me in a calm voice without yelling. 3. Insist that they honor your boundary, again with a firm but kind voice, "I insist that when we are talking we talk in calm voices." 4. Leave the situation. Now is not the time or place to continue communicating with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Leave the door open to talk later in a more respectful manner. Continue to maintain a calm but firm voice and say, "I will not continue this conversation in this way. I welcome an opportunity to talk with you without yelling or screaming at another time. Let me know if you decide to visit without raised voices."

Don't take it personally You can not assume responsibility for other people's feelings, agendas or methods of communication. You can only state how you desire to be treated in life. If there are old patterns, it may take some time to convince others that you are serious about sticking to your boundaries. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and courtesy.

People you know may be surprised at first when you tell them they have crossed the line, but will respect you more in the end. Hopefully, they will model this communication style and it will make for more honest and open relationships for all.

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